JUST SOME THINGS

This is the poor attempt at comedy i scribbled out last night. This is why i don't do stand-up.

I was up watching the various late night shows last night and it struck me how strange TV can be when it gets to those wee hours of the night. All of the late night hosts sit behind big wooden desks and never give an explanation as to why. They make it so that when someone goes to promote their movie it's like they're at a very important job interview.

i realized recently that a guy can count his beards. Like when you grow it out and then shave it and keep going back and forth over whether it looks cool. really you can say "yea, this is my 16th mustache. I really think I'm going to keep this one"

And what's the deal with drinks at a party? Is the idea that everyone wants to make sure that everyone else is equally plastered? There are always guys going around like "Oh, can I freshen that up for you? Hey, buddy, you need another? Skip, you don't have a drink? you want a drink skip?" Or maybe the idea is just so everyone has something to do at an otherwise useless function. "O well it's been 6 minutes since i swirled my cup and took a sip so i better take another. Hey soon i can go to the bar and get something different!" The next time i go to a party I want to bring a bunch of juice oranges. Then I'll really have something to do. "Hey, you coming to dance?" "Nah, i still have 3 oranges left to squeeze I'll catch up to you after i strain it."

well - that was pretty sad.

cooking against the grain

I like to think that the double-entendre of my title will make more sense in a minute.

Cooking can get kind of boring when you make the same thing everyday. On the other hand it can get kind of disgusting when you try new things that wouldn't normally make it into your top five foods book. I remember the first time i tried to make extra creamy mashed potatoes, as do the unlucky few who shared that dinner with me. Suffice to say I had unlocked the secret to making a thick cheese sauce although considering it was supposed to be the main starch on the table no one was that excited. But i digress.

One great way to experiment with new foods without having to pack a suitcase and sail a thousand nautical knots from your comfortable cooking repertoire is to experiment with new grains. Delicious millet, appetizing montina and who can forget the household favorite, sorghum! Ahh, grains - the carbohydrate-laden comfort food of the masses. It is interesting to note that of the few grains we commonly consume today (rice, wheat, corn ) none were excessively popular a few centuries ago. If you were a crusader in Europe in the 15th century you probably carried a small pouch of barley and dainty little sack of lentils. I know what you're thinking... They had a Whole Foods back in the 15th century? Those Europeans really do have us beat! But, in fact, up until recently there was no such thing as a giant mono-crop of one kind of produce so diversity of fruits, vegetables and grains was much greater.

I think it's great to try each one. There are recipes for almost every kind of grain. For something like whole-grain buckwheat or pearled barley a savory breakfast treat can be made. These grains cook up fast just like oatmeal and with a drop of olive oil, salt and seasonings like scallions or garlic it can be a fast and healthy snack. You can throw some farro or job's tears into a soup as a nice substitute for alphabet pastas.

Tonight i think I'm going to work on a risotto (Hi NeNe!). Risotto is a dish made with arborio rice (an extremely short grain with a thick hull that absorbs more liquid than most grains and likewise more flavor.) Because risotto is usually an Italian dish i like to add both Parmesan cheese and small amounts of other complimenting cheeses like mozzarella and ricotta salotta. here is the basic risotto recipe

Ingredients:1 cup white arborio rice 1 tablespoon Olive oil 1 large onion, chopped 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese, grated 5 cups vegetable stock
Directions:
Heat olive oil in a heavy non-stick 2-quart pot. Saute onion in oil until translucent. Add rice and stir rice until grains are coated with oil and let simmer until grains begin to brown Add 1 cup hot stock or water, stirring until liquid is absorbed. Continue cooking for about 20 minutes, adding the remaining liquid 1 cup at a time. This rice creates its own creamy sauce; add additional liquid if creamier texture is desired. Remove from heat, stir in cheeses and serve immediately. At this point you add fresh herbs and chopped vegetables as you see fit. I like mushrooms, peppers and broccoli. Anyway

The point is not to be afraid of some good, old-fashioned vegetarian cooking experiments!

Now I'm going to go pan-sear myself some brussel sprouts and button mushrooms!

Bon Appetit! or as the french like to say "joost say eet in eenglish you snooty Americaine"

So go and get a cell phone

How many friends have you gained from use of a cell phone? Every person's story is different. Some people claim they wouldn't have any social contact without their phone. I've even heard of men proposing to women via a text message. But if i ask how many people you lost touch with due to cell phone use I'm sure i wouldn't get a load of responses.

So maybe it's just me. But having a cell phone has only made my life harder. I'm woken up at least once a week by a call from someone i would typically avoid if i saw them on the street. There are countless times when my phone rings and I'm not around that people think I'm just snubbing them. I have actually lost friends with my poor cell phone etiquette and the strangest part of the cell phone social order is that it is perfectly acceptable to be a "crackberry addict" looking up only intermittently during real-life human conversations while simultaneously checking e-mails.

I want to know what magic goes on inside these little devices that makes a physical relationship pale in comparison.

Just today i was biking along when my phone rang. In a desperate attempt to answer the call I hit the brakes hard - screeching to a halt and digging through my suddenly fathomless trench of a pocket for my phone. Of course, i miss the call, prompting a whiny missed-call response that I've come to hate. By the time I can return the call though I'm greeted by a quick "hi, can i call you back I've got another line." ANOTHER LINE?! but that's the problem with the cell phone then: there is no real interaction. If i had seen this person face to face they would have recognized the overwhelming struggle I faced for that "hi". They would have excused themselves, for a moment, from the friend they were walking with who merely bumped into them and didn't have to avoid a parade of angry vehicles while squished onto the side of the road. I might have even gotten an appreciation hug instead of a quick dismissal.

So not only does the cell phone strike me as a device that alienates me from other people, but, even worse, it makes other people appear in a worse light to me. So go and buy a cell phone and tell me if you can really build a genuine relationship or if you just get diverted by all the shiny colors and flashy ringtones that replace the subtler enjoyment of human interaction.

Weird Music... I Do Not Condone This Kind of Behavior

This is just a quick tribute to: one piece of music i think was amazing despite the fact that the composer was crazy; one piece of music that shouldn't be allowed in my humble opinion; and one piece that is pretty good but has a kind of shameful back story.

The first piece i'm referring to is by French, Romantic era composer Hector Berlioz and it is called Symphonie Fantastique. He wrote it while tripping (high off his butt) on opium and it was inspired by an actress he saw in one play that moved him so much he began to stalk her. In this fourth of five movements he is being brought to the gallows to get his head chopped off by the guillotine for his infatuation for her. The coolest part is how Berlioz used symphonic orchestra instruments to make real life noises that told a story. Look out for the ending of the movement when you hear the guillotine come down and then his head bounce a few times - this guy was ahead of his time! To complete his backstory, it turns out that when he presented this piece to the public the actress who he wrote it for was so moved she married Berlioz. But, in the end, they broke it off. surprise surprise.
Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique - March to The Scaffold

This John Cage piece kind of speaks for itself. Except that it doesn't - Literally! it's 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence. I like giving artists some leeway in their creativity but even Rembrandt couldn't have sold a blank canvas. That's like a singer coming on stage and not singing! Or a restaurant that doesn't fill you up. Or a politician running for office with no knowledge of what to do! O wait... britney spears lip-synching, half the expensive restaurants in NYC and George W. Bush. 'Nuff said.

John Cage - 4'33"

Threnody for the victims of hiroshima. Threnody being a kind of memorial tune. Scary song. Acquired taste. Worked well in the movie "The Shining". But did you know that it was initially an untitled piece written with no intent to pay homage to Hiroshima victims? The producer just thought it would sell better with that title. Like most program music the title shapes your understanding of the song. Well i never!

Threnody for the victims of Hiroshima by Krzysztof Penderecki

Enjoy your listening selections

When good months go bad - an angry exposition on March

PFTT! i have to spit the dirty slush liquid out of my mouth again. When will I remember to attach that full-faced soldering mask to my helmet for my March bike rides?

As an eco-friendly business associate to mother earth I make it my business to bike to classes everyday I can. Since i did it almost every day of February i expected things to only get easier - little did i know March was about to rear it's ugly head.

A New York City Blizzard (i.e a foot of snow) hit on Monday. Thinking myself and my bike to be ineffably capable of evading a little snow I was back on my two-wheeled chariot by tuesday morning. As i rode down my first big hill, drops of muddied water exploding like fireworks across my face and neck, i understood the shame of city snow.

A vestige of its fluffy white foundation adorned either side of the road, quickly shrinking away into nothingness and all the while being tainted by the dark evils of city pollution. There is little pride in being a snowfall in the city. A sort of 15 minutes of fame effect where children race from their rooms, gloves snapped to jacket sleeves and scarves flying behind them wildly, trying to catch the rare puritanical whiteness that floats down from the sky. But as quickly as it comes it is gone - erased by an urban heating effect or else serving only to make people aware of the abject filth they co-exist with. The snow becomes that one person in the group photograph whose brilliantly white teeth put the rest of the bunch to shame. We all throw out that photograph or bury it in the pile.

By the time i arrived in my first class I had lost any of my own personal affection towards the white powder. I was filthy from the splatter of my wheels on the street. I looked like a mad chef who had thrown the swamp thing into a blender along with a can of used oil and forgot to put the lid on top. I was an outcast amongst my peers - stripped of my vanity for choosing to do the responsible thing.

By the time i had completed my return trip that night I understood why the snow never seems to stick around for that long. Whether the snow is a great deceiver, like Judas, running from its home with forty pieces of silver or maybe just a misunderstood Shylock fleeing for safety's sake I was left looking down at the vestiges of a slushy, fundament-tainted mound of winter's last laugh and saying: e tu, snowe`?

Got Milk?

Every year after the Oscars I like to catch up on films that got a lot of acclaim that I might have missed. I'm a big film buff but sometimes it's easy to get swept into the avalanche of media and end up only catching the blockbusters and missing the little nuggets of gold. Last night i watched Milk, the story of the first San Francisco supervisor shot down in his prime. Considering the dramatic ending, which i won't give away, I'm surprised it took so long to make this film. The movie gives a pretty powerful insight into the gay community and their perspective on civil rights.

I've never considered myself homophobic but watching Milk made me realize that the simple act of not condemning a group of people doesn't necessarily align you with them. Like African-Americans, Jews, women or any other minority group the struggle for equality is very tedious and can only be furthered by regular people being proactive. Whether it is in the way you think, vote or act.

On a more critical note, Sean Penn, who has always been an impressive actor, delivers an awesome performance that will leave me convinced that he really is Harvey Milk for a long time to come ( I just got over the fact that he isn't actually retarded as he portrayed himself in "I Am Sam").

So far I have really been impressed with the movies that garnered acclaim this year. Slumdog Millionaire was also a great film, less for its individual performances and more for its composite of beautiful scenery and terrific music. The curious case of Benjamin Button also held my interest (which is no mean feat as it was almost three hours long), and told a very powerful tale about the futility of aging and the great journey that is life.

Is everyone still working on their joker impressions? Or maybe you're more of a batman baritone type. "I DON'T WEAR HOCKEY PADS!" I've even been known to take out my Jar-Jar Binks from time to time. When i've had one too many drinks I tend to bust out a Robert Downey Jr. in blackface but that can be a little politically incorrect. I can do a pretty good slumdog millionaire impression (JamalMalikChaiwallaWhatAPlayer!) and a fair harvey milk impression. I guess acting is another of my many often neglected interests. But it is defintely fun to get into and all it really requires is a mirror. Look (up) at Benjamin Button... you get the idea.

Meryl Streep does my blog (sort of)

A movie is being filmed a few blocks from my house and it looks like I beat imdb.com to the chase in figuring this one out. IMDB describes the film as "A romantic comedy in which two men vie for the affection of a woman." The information i hunted down tells me it's allegedly called "the bakery" and it is starring Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Right off the bat I was intrigued - I love baked goods and Meryl Streep is a great actress. So far I can't complain.

I went to report straight from the scene for exclusive interviews with cast and crew!

Unfortunately the only actual soundbite i got was from a grumpy looking catering guy named Greg who said "Yeah it's a movie but you can't go in." My follow-up consisted of a stealthy walk around the picnic house that the filming is being done in where i valiantly stared down a young woman with a walkie-talkie who repeatedly tried to shoo me away.

I did manage to create a vivid interview with the stars of this film in my head on the downtrodden walk home. This is how it went and, may i say, these celebrities couldn't be more gracious!

[I am ushered onto the set to sit at a cozy little wrought-iron cafe table with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. A young waiter serves us coffee and a large plate of assorted pastries. Graciously, Steve Martin pass me the plate first and i take a few cookies and pass it to Meryl. After we have all eaten our fill of pastry (Alec devoured all the pecan bars and ate the half of brownie that Meryl was done with) we got to talking.]

Me: So, The Bakery, it seems like a really innovative film in its setting. What is it like filming most of your scenes in and around this one store.
Steve: I couldn't be happier, yknow, because in my last pink panther film I got so bruised up doing some of my stunts that I was essentially wheeled in here and seated and I havent moved since. Mind you i wouldn't want to be the Key Grip who has to clean this area every night after shooting.
Me: Haha, Steve you're always such a character! Would you say this movie is an allegory for the overconsumption of baked goods in America?
Alec: No. This is a romantic comedy. If there is any moral in the movie it will have to do with relationships. [aside] who let this kid in?
Me: [nervously] so Meryl i recently saw you at the Oscars, you looked great [ a small nod]. Do you consider yourself past the point where you only want to be in good, compelling films that people might consider going to see for other reasons than to waste time on a date?
Meryl: [ Throwing her head back and laughing I am reminded of a Hepburn-like grace] I like to mix it up between good movies and what I like to to think of as fun movies. I think people will enjoy this film though.
Me: Ok, if you say so. Now i'd like to ask you all one more question. [The security has been made aware of my presence and is heading over to the table.] Meryl, Steve, Alec, what was your favorite movie of 2008?
Alec: Milk
Steve: Doubt
Meryl: Iron Man


And there you have it. It could have potentially been a much better interview but even my imagination couldn't secure an all-access pass. I look forward to seeing The Bakery, surely a fine film.